OLD JOE CLARK
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Kirkus Book Review 2017
Shuckin' the Corn -
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Farmer Tice and his lovely wife Honeybunch
Book 1
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Book 2

Book 3

King of All Fools

 Farmer Tice

 
Available in soft-cover & Kindle at

Coming in August 2020 -- Book #4

Farmer Tice's Strange  Encounter

Farmer Tice very best in hillybilly humor for "smart" kids, ages 10 thru 16. Because much of the humor is sophisticated, grown-ups like them too.

Outrageously funny books for young teens & grown-ups who want to escape from the politically correct world. It's hillbilly humor will keep you rolling in laughter.

Get it in high quality  paperback 

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Get it on Kindle 

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Read the great KIRKUS BOOK REVIEW of

Farmer Tice.

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{Believe it or not, this book is not just funny--but educational} 

 
More About Farmer Tice

The sole purpose of these Farmer Tice books is for laughs. There are no other objectives. You won't find anything PC in these books. The stories evolved out of a slightly warped sense of subtle humor that's akin to genre of Mad Magazine, National Lampoon, The Simpsons, and Billy Whiskers. There are no hidden agendas nor lessons to be learned. It is just a fun book to read.

Farmer Tice was born on Friday the 13th. The year is uncertain, because nobody bothered to write it down.

Farmer Tice lives with his wife, Agnes {also known as Honeybunch}, on a rickety old farm in a town called Hokum. They are what you might call "hillbillies". If all farmers were like Farmer Tice, everybody would starve. His wife isn't any better. How the two of them ever got married is explained in one of the chapters. Hint: they both were looking for matrimony at the bottom of the barrel at the same time.

Farmer Tice's first name is Jacob, but everybody calls him Jinx, a nickname coined by Mother Tice who claimed he was a bad-luck baby.

Farmer Tice's nephew is named Wessell, but everybody calls him “The Weasel”. It's the perfect name for a scheming, tricky teenager like him.

Farmer Tune is a neighbor who is always taking advantage of Farmer Tice however he can.

Bum Park is way out on the east side of Hokum and is one of Farmer Tice's favorite hangouts. The park was actually named after one of Hokum's most distinguished founders, Horatio Alger Bum II, but that was a long time ago. In recent years it became a sort of sanctuary not only for the homeless, but for lazy farmers seeking sanctuary from their daily chores. Farmer Tice is there so much, some people think Bum Park was named after a bum like him.

Who exactly is Farmer Tice? Well, that's hard to say. Some say he's a mixture of Snuffy Smith and W.C. Fields. Others think he's more akin to Homer Simpson and Rodney Dangerfield. Personally speaking, I don't think Farmer Tice is like anyone you're likely to find in any comic strip. He's a mold-breaking entity of his own.

So, enjoy these stories, and remember the whole point is to make you laugh. The stories are short and sweet and brings us into a world of locals and yokels unlike anybody you’ll ever meet.

 Thanks for reading!

Farmer Tice drank so much eggnog at the X-mas party that he got to farting and couldn't stop.

Farmer Tice is dubbed King of all wine makers, but that's not wine they're drinking-- but highly concentrated prune juice.

It's high time for some big laughs!!!

All Farmer Tice could do was run back to his cabin and mutter to himself, “This is embarrassing… this is embarrassing.”

Don't Worry, Be Happy!!!   Don't Worry, Be Happy!!!   Don't Worry, Be Happy!!!   Don't Worry, Be Happy!!!   Don't Worry, Be Happy!!!   Don't Worry, Be Happy!!!   Don't Worry, Be Happy!!!   Don't Worry, Be Happy!!!   Don't Worry, Be Happy!!!   Don't Worry, 

the author's EXISTENTIALISTIC NOVEL
 

FASCINATING  Books  FOR  ADULTS

MUST READ Books FOR KIDS

Farmer Tice Goes to the Movies

 

Where did Farmer Tice go today? He went to the movies to see a double feature put on by the Hokum Valley Players: Snow White and the Seven Farmers and 12 Angry Farmers. These films were box office mega-hits because everybody in Hokum knew somebody who was in one of the films. The main reason Farmer Tice wanted to go was because he played a scarecrow in the second film. All he had to do was stand in a cornfield and look stupid, which didn't take any acting on his part.

After waiting in line over an hour to buy a ticket, Farmer Tice began squirming about. He had to use the restroom badly, so he asked the theater attendant if he could use the toilet “Sorry, Mac, but I can't let you in without a ticket.” So, in order to keep from wetting his pants, Farmer Tice walked down the street to the gas station and did his business there.

By the time Farmer Tice got back to the theater, the movie had already started and he had to sit in the back row between two heavy-duty women who stuck out so much on each side that he was barely able to squeeze into his seat. There was so little room for him that his arms were pushed together, and he could barely hold his popcorn. The first time he tried to take a handful, he spilled the tub all over the floor, and he got slippery butter all over this shoes. To make matters worse, the man sitting in front of him was about seven-feet tall with shoulders like a linebacker. Farmer Tice could barely see the screen. In fact, he could only see three of the seven farmers and he couldn’t see Snow White at all.

The woman on the right had a hearty appetite and crunched on tortilla chips throughout the movie, and the woman on the left kept talking on her cell phone. Farmer Tice couldn’t hear a single word of the movie. For half the picture, he thought it was a silent film, but he was too afraid to complain about it because they were bigger than he was. Every time he squirmed, he'd bump into her and she'd angrily chide, “DO YOU MIND!!! DO YOU MIND!!!” Like a little field mouse, all Farmer Tice could do was meekly reply, “Sorry about that, Miss. I didn't mean to do it.”

When the movie ended, Farmer Tice walked to the pizza place across the street and got himself a bite to eat. The two ladies from the movie theater were already there, and they ordered so much food that Farmer Tice worried there’d be nothing left for him. Finally, he got to place his order, where he got the last slice of pizza. It was stale and tasted like cardboard from sitting out so long, but Farmer Tice figured it was better than nothing.

After that, he decided to go home and headed back to his truck. As he reached into his pocket to get his car keys, he felt a big hole. He went back to the theater to see if his keys were there, but no one could find them. He called home and told his wife to come and pick him up, but she had just begun watching her favorite soap opera and told him he'd have to wait until it was over.

Farmer Tice remembered that he had hidden a spare key under the truck, but he forgot to call his wife back and tell her not to come. When she got there, Farmer Tice had already gone. Being sent on a wild goose chase made her mad as a hornet, and Farmer Tice found himself sleeping in the barn that night, where the goats ate his butter-covered shoes.

 
 
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